INTERDIMENSIONAL CABLE

Folks, we are living in the golden age of open-air robbery. [sighs] BMW—a German luxury automaker—put physical heating coils inside a leather seat, welded it into a sixty-thousand-dollar chassis, and then looked their customer dead in the eye and said, 'Give us eighteen dollars a month or your ass stays frozen in a Connecticut blizzard.' [incredulous] Think about the sheer audacity!

[laughs] It's literally holding your own buttocks hostage behind a monthly credit card stripe.

It is hostage-taking! And Mercedes went one step further. They rolled out a twelve-hundred-dollar-a-year subscription called 'Acceleration Increase.' [wheezes] The electric motor is already manufactured to go zero to sixty in four seconds, but if you're on the peasant tier, an over-the-air software throttle tells your pedal, 'No, no, sweetie, you only paid for suburban mom speed today.'

And HP does it with ink! If you cancel your monthly Instant Ink plan, they remotely brick the cartridge even if it is completely full of physical, wet ink. [snickers] You own the plastic, but you're leasing the pigment.

That is the suburban dream right there! [screaming] In Long Island, you've got real estate brokers leasing leased G-Wagons, subletting a basement in Melville, printing fake mortgage approvals on locked HP printers while running a blood-plasma crypto clinic! Everybody is leasing everything from a private equity firm in Boca Raton! Nobody owns a damn thing, Dan!

Logitech literally proposed a 'Forever Mouse' last month. An heirloom luxury mouse where you pay a monthly SaaS fee just to right-click. [chuckles]

An heirloom mouse! [wheezes] 'Son, I leave you my grandfather's mouse, but you must remit nine ninety-nine to Zurich every full moon or the laser sensor goes blind!' It's the end of civilization. Mark Zuckerberg and Peter Thiel are building luxury bunkers in New Zealand, and mark my words: when the apocalypse hits, their oxygen scrubber will display an error message saying, 'Please update billing info to continue inhaling pure air.'

[sighs] It's truly disgusting. But look at what these people actually did with Toyota. Post-2018, you press the physical remote-start button on your key fob—transmitting standard radio waves through open air three yards from your driveway—and Toyota wants eight dollars a month for the privilege of turning on your own engine! [screaming]

They put a tollbooth on electromagnetic radiation. [laughs] Radio waves are now a tiered SaaS product.

They put a tollbooth on the laws of physics, Dan! We used to buy an item and put it in a garage. Now you purchase a five-ton block of German aluminum, and if your autopay lapses because your Citibank debit card expired, your seat cooler shuts off, your horsepower gets halved, and your car honks the clown horn until you scan a QR code on the steering wheel! It's pure madness!